Alex,

So good to hear from you. I do look forward to working with you on
retrieving your client’s $18 Millions USD, but I have something much
more pressing for you:

First: I’ve discovered the meaning of everything.

I asked myself some unnerving questions and came to some equally disturbing conclusions. What’s the point? Why even bother? Life sucks, I’ll die eventually and everything will be rotting, dying, useless, forgotten. Nothing will happen afterward; there are no great rewards awaiting. Working your whole life only to retire at 65 and have 5 years to travel the world at a snails pace before Alzheimer kicks in doesn’t exactly sound like something I’m interested in.

I pressed on working, living, drinking, occasionally forgetting that
it’s all meaningless. No one knew that I obsessed over the meaninglessness
of it all. It’s impossible to know this about me, I love laughing and playing games,
partying, and heck I even like working. I love my girlfriend fiancé and her
smile. I love making her happy more than anything.

How can I possibly reconcile the fact that it’s all meaningless when
meaning penetrates my being every single day?

Ready for this, Alex?

The meaning of life is that there is none. No one can tell you what it
means but yourself. Find meaning in work, find it in love. Be nice as
much as possible. Make things for now, make things for the future. Do
it all while staring into the face of the meaningless. Accept the
meaningless proudly; not everyone is so brave.

Second: I am a Nigerian Prince in need of escaping the country with over
$45 Million USD. Having consulted with my colleagues and based on the
information gathered from the Nigerian Chambers Of Commerce And
Industry, I have the privilege to request your assistance to transfer
the sum of $45,000,000 (forty five million, United States dollars)
into your account.

We are now ready to transfer the fund overseas and that is where you
come in. It is important to inform you that as civil servants, we are
forbidden to operate a foreign account; that is why we require your
assistance. The total sum will be shared as follows: 70% for us, 25%
for you and 5% for local and international expenses incidental to the
transfer.

In order to complete these transactions we must become Facebook friends. After which, we will then need to poke each other no less than three (3) times for you to gain my trust.

I look forward to our future business transactions.

Thank you,

Tyler

Dear Tyler,

My name is Jon Smith, District Sales Manager for San Diego and the Southern California area for CONNECT Systems Inc. I noticed you recently updated your resume online. It appears that you may have the professional experience we are looking for.

CONNECT Systems recently expanded its service capabilities with the launch of a new product that is proving to be a significant growth opportunity for our company and its representatives. We are hiring Account Executives and Territory Managers for San Diego, Temecula, and the surrounding areas. The positions involve outside sales. I have included a couple links to company information – our corporate website and an online video:

Career opportunities: (url removed)
Online video: (url removed)

I am interested in speaking with you about setting up an initial interview in our District Office in San Diego. The one caveat: I am only interviewing through this next Tuesday, February 22nd. I have to make some decisions by February 24th for our corporate training program that starts on the 25th. Unfortunately, it was not until today that I saw your resume.

If our position interests you, it is necessary that you meet with me promptly at one of these exact times listed below for an initial interview. If you are available to meet the beginning of next week, please follow the instructions below:

1. Select a date and time you are available to interview.

Monday February 21, 2011 at 11:00am or 2:00pm
Tuesday February 22, 2011 at 9:00am, 11:00am, or 2:00pm

2. E-mail your selection to (to insure the receipt of your date and time selection, please be sure to e-mail separately to the email address provided below and do not simply reply to this e-mail):

JON.SMITH@CONNECTSystems.com

When we receive your e-mail with your time choice, we will return confirmation. For now, interviewing will ONLY be conducted at the dates and times listed above.

Sincerely,

Jon Smith
District Manager
CONNECT Systems Inc.

Jon,

Would you mind answering a few questions before I move forward?

Thank you,
Tyler

Sure…

Jon

Are the people at CONNECT content in their positions? Is their room for growth?

What did you want to be when you were a kid? Why didn’t it happen? Are you OK with never achieving your goals? Does working at your company provide people with happiness? Obviously no one really wants to be in collections or sell collection services, right? I’m not specifically pointing you out of the crowd, I’m pretty sure nearly everyone is disappointed in what they do or would at least rather just have a lot of money instead of working although it seems like lottery winners manage to kill themselves more often than not.

I think it’s funny when people convince themselves that they like what they do.

“So what do you do?”

“I look at spreadsheets and click on numbers and hit the spacebar every so often…it’s really quite riveting. Every other Tuesday I give presentations to a group of people who no doubt are drifting off, most likely dreaming of sex or partying but undoubtedly not thinking about my presentation. I myself am simply reading the slides verbatim while thinking of the alcohol I’ll consume during lunch break.”

I’ll continue working I suppose, I need stuff. I guess I just “want” stuff, but you know…I’m in Gen-Y and we can’t discern between need and want as far as I can tell.

If it’s been obnoxious working with us Gen-Y people, I apologize…we’re starting to turn out weird.

Just look at all the hipsters.

So when can we meet?

Tyler

Tyler,

I must say this is the strangest interview request I have ever received…having said that, Yes I like what I do; when I was a kid a wanted to be successful and make a lot money while, at the same time having free time to enjoy it. So yes I have achieved, and continue to achieve, my life goals… people at CONNECT are happy and there is a lot of room for growth. Did I plan on selling collections services when I was younger? No, but I am proud of the fact that I recovered over a million dollars in unpaid bills for San Diego businesses this year, I didn’t plan on being able to do that when I was a kid either…

What we don’t have room for is a negative attitude, excuses and laziness – if you can assure me that you don’t possess either of traits, I would like to meet with you. If your rambling email full of off the subject tangents is not a window into your psyche, and instead is a creative way to get my attention, then I would like to meet with you.

Let me know if you are ready for a professional career and we can set something up.

Jon

Eric, I admire your outlook on life. You’re right – we almost never end up being exactly what we want as kids, but kids are stupid anyhow…why listen to anything they have to say?

“Hey kid, should I bolster my retirement plan and divert some additional funds into a Roth IRA?”

“Juicebox!”

“Exactly.”

Full transparency: your original email came off as robotic and I doubted any organic response would ensue. I get HR letters all of the time from Careerbuilder.com and half of them are for the most ridiculous positions.

“Dear Tyler, we recently reviewed your resume and are excited to speak to you about the role of FORKLIFT OPERATOR ID 3250-98. Please apply below using the following link and…”

Seriously.

I’m not crazy; I have a solid head on my shoulders and work very hard. Here’s the thing, I feel like I’ve ruined any shot of respectability with CONNECT. If you hired me wouldn’t you constantly be concerned that I was truly a crazy person?

Although it pains me to do so, I feel I must rescind your offer to work at CONNECT.

Despite this I appreciate your response. Eric, the world needs more people like you and I.

With great regard,

Tyler

Good luck Tyler…you seem like a good, honest, straightforward person…those traits are to be admired.

Jon

Thank you, Jon.

Hi Tyler,

And a very happy new year to you… sorry was offline over the holidays so was unable to reply sooner… got in late last night.

Great to hear from another Dystopian enthusiast (“zealot” in my case). Wish that I was really creating a “society”, but unfortunately it’s more the 3D props, environment and assets that serve only as a backdrop for a dystopian society. While total world domination and realigning reality is not totally off the books, RealLife™ has me busy these days.

Would love to hear more from you… and perhaps you’d like to share your thoughts with other like-minded individuals… join us on our forums! There are tons more bits and pieces of information scattered throughout our forum… from the planetary characteristics of the city planet… the socio-cultural backdrop… the calendar… time… sectoral governance… technologies… weapons… and yada, yada, yada…

You may have a bit of trouble logging in from a gmail account (because spammers and spambots are notorious for using gmail, so it’s been blacklisted by Shadow Corps), but once you’ve set up the account send me a reminder at admin@team-dystopia.com and we will manually override the securities for you and get you a temp password that you can reset later on.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Cheers! — Möe

Moe,

Good to hear from you. After reading this Slate.com article by Sarah A. Topol I can’t help but worry that our world is already loaded with the refuse that is religious ideology.

A man killed for criticizing a Blasphemy Law because criticizing a Blasphemy Law is Blasphemy itself. An all-powerful god can’t handle human beings besmirching his name.

Fuck that.

If god cared he would smite the blasphemer. If god gave a shit he wouldn’t kill babies, but he doesn’t you know why? God isn’t real. The problem is when people all believe he is and believe they are doing what god wants. None of this is evidence-based, none of this is necessary, none of this is humane.

Let’s live based on reason and things we know. Is it too much to ask?

Tyler, Zealot

Mr. Tremblay,

TV5MONDE apologizes for any frustration, discomfort or nuisance that our promotional brochure may have caused you.

The company recently purchased a list of contacts from a marketing company that had narrowed down individuals as either having “French Heritage”, “French Interest”, or being a “French Language Instructor”.

Notwithstanding, this list was formulated and purchased via a different company, and was not compiled by TV5MONDE.

If I can get your postal address, I will try my best to remove you from the list.

Once again, our sincere apologies.

Kind Regards,

Client Relations
TV5MONDE USA
www.tv5.org/usa

TV5MONDE,
I appreciate the apology but am withholding my acceptance of the
apology until I sort this out.

What is the name of this marketing company and who can I speak with
there? I want to make sure that this blatant anti-non-frenchism never
happens again.

Thank you,

Tyler

TV5MONDE,
Apology officially rejected.

How much is TV5MONDE after the free time expires?

Ciao!

Tyler

Good Morning Royal Oak!

You are listening to school mornings with Michelle and special guest Michaela. Here are the announcements for: Thursday, November 18, 2010.

Congratulations to our rowers who had a great finish to the season with one of our boys’ 8 taking home the gold and a girls’ 4 taking the bronze. Rowers, please turn in your jerseys as soon as possible in time for the team photos next Tuesday.

Tonight we have our monthly PAC meeting in the library. Please remind your parents to come out at 7 pm.

The grade 7/8 competitive boys basketball team played an excellent game last night against Spencer. Will was awesome from the foul shot line, and Ryan cleaned up on the boards. They won 37 to 29. Congratulations boys!

There is a Class Rep meeting Friday at 1:08 in room 231. Home room teachers please make sure you have two reps attending this important meeting.

Gr 6/7 competitive boys basketball team has a game today after school.

Grade 6 Intramural Playoffs – Today 6-4 vs 6-5 with Brooke, Marissa, and Holly as the referees. Please make your way down to the far side section of the gym at 1:08.

The Ball Room is open today at lunch activity time in the canteen window. Bring your student card/bus card and sign out a ball or other piece of equipment.

Dance group meets today on the stage area at 1:08.

Drawing Club meets today at 1:08 in room 114 with Mr. Burgess.

Choir students meet today at 1:08 in the bandroom.

A reminder to any students who would like to learn how to knit….meet today at 1:10 in Mrs. Trottier’s class, room 234.

Band students – all magazine orders and poinsettia orders are due this week. Extra poinsettia and wreath orders are available outside the office. Please bring orders to Ms Robertson in the band room today to ensure prompt delivery for your customers!

Our new ‘Eagle Wear’ Winter Clothing order forms are available outside the office and from your homeroom teacher. You have until tomorrow, Nov. 19 to get your orders in. If you’re not sure of what size to get you may try on sample clothing in the office.

Pizza day tomorrow, $2.50/slice, hosted by Div. 6-1, Mrs. Trottier’s class.

That’s all the Announcements for today – Have a Great day Royal Oak!

Bonnie Branfleu
Administrative Assistant
Royal Oak Middle School
Victoria, BC (Canada)

My response:

No response ;(

Tyler-
Thank you for your inquiry-
I am not much of a bible scholar and had to first look up your reference of which I found two similar references quoted below. I have no idea if this is what you were looking for nor what you actually thought you might get in the way of a chocolate piece depicting it.

Kings 2:23-24 (King James Version)

23And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.

24And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
Kings 2:23-24 (New International Version)

Elisha Is Jeered
23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy!” 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.

In coming up with your idea, you probably had some idea as to an approximate size in mind of the piece you wanted (e.g., 12 x 18″; 30 x40″, 4′ x 8′, etc), the approximate appearance (this story has two parts??), as well as some dollar range that fit within your “limited budget” ($20-30, $50-100; $250-500, etc). Without some added guidance confirming what actual scene you would be interested in, and either a size and/or price range to work with, it is very difficult to provide you with anything firm as to feasibility.
Additionally “a mock-up” implies some 3D sample as is frequently done in miniature for buildings and large sculptures. That is not reasonable or feasible for a chocolate piece that is not going to be gigantic in size. I can generally sketch or describe verbally what would be done, but I need more of your input first.

It is also not clear if this is a centerpiece for decor, something to be sold, or????

Please feel free to call and discuss or respond by email.

Michael
Creative Chocolates

My God, I had no idea there was anything like that in the Bible. I’m
new to Christianity and am just beginning to learn all of the ins and
outs. The church planning committee voted on that story being
depicted, but I’d imagine it was a mistake. Let me call my pastor and
confirm. I’ll get back to you in a bit.

Our budget is about $800 but we are flexible as this is intended to be
the centerpiece of our event and we plan on auctioning it off.

Thanks Michael,

Tyler

Michael,
I spoke with my pastor and he confirmed that they did want to move
forward with this particular scene. He consulted with the committee
and they agreed that it would be best to depict the bear just before
mauling the children with Elisha juxtaposed in the back laughing and
winking upwards at God. As the selected point man for this charity I
feel obligated to relay their instructions: the chocolate scene should
be approximately 3.5 ft x 2.5 ft with the bear reaching approximately
1.5 ft tall.

To be completely honest, I’m having doubts about the bible. How can
anyone possibly think that god would call down a bear to kill children
and still be considered sane? Even if this were a metaphor I still see
no ties to contemporary ethics or morality.

I feel odd telling you this but in some odd way I’m beginning to
realize that I may not be a Christian…

What should I do Michael?

Thank you,

Tyler

Thank you for relaying the added details. It will take me a few days to try to figure out what might be possible to do.
The guidance you provided is very helpful.
I expect i may have difficulty doing what you are requesting and I need some time to try to work it out.
The size of the bear provides information as to the relative size of the prophet and the children. The story calls for 2 bears and 42 children.
There would definitely not be enough room even with one bear, to put 1/2 the children.
The real problem comes in the amount of detail expected in the sculptures to be done (and making them smaller would not resolve the issues when details including winks/smiles as well as the “fear” of the children are needed). Sculpting animals and people are significantly more consuming than scenes/things and Sculpting in chocolate takes as long or longer some times than in clay and the cost is more in the labor than the materials. In the midst of this holiday season, I am not sure there will be sufficient time available to do justice to the job.
I also took some time to try to find pictures of Elisha to use as a model. Below is one I found on the internet. Is this what you were thinking of?

I also need to check out the clothing appearance of children in that time frame.

Michael

Michael,

I apologize for wasting your time. I’ve been removed from the
committee and am no doubt being removed from the church. I held an
emergency meeting with my pastor to discuss this particular story
which I previously had no idea about. No matter what he said nothing
could make me believe that the event actually occurred, nor that it
was important to believe in. Why would God call down a bear to kill
children? Didn’t God create the children? Did he give them free-will
to make fun of Elisha? Why didn’t he give children better brains for
reasoning that making fun of a balding man may hurt his feelings? Why
would God give children stupid little brains which would lead them to
make fun of a man whose head follicle-deficient?

And then it hit me…

God is omnipotent and all-powerful, right? He created children EXACTLY
the way they are, brains and all knowing full well that children would
make fun of bald men. Next, God waited several thousand years until
just the right moment: enter Elisha. God could barely contain himself
as the children, too young to understand what they were doing made fun
of Elisha. At that very moment God, pleased with his doings, stood up
flexed his cloudy muscles and willed a she-bear into existence,
BEHOLD! The she-bear knew nothing but the pleasure of child-meat. She
tore into them with fury never seen before. The children ran around
crying, pleading for their lives before being sent to the fiery depths
of hell for being created by God in such a poor manner.

God smiled and high-fived Elisha, “Thanks God!” said Elisha.

Anyways, Christianity is fucking righteous but not for me; their god
is just too much of a dick.

My pastor may be contacting you about the chocolate sculpture still,
but be weary, he believes in some scary stuff.

Best regards,

Tyler

Ward Auctions,

I read your website and I see that you specialize in European
furniture, but I am looking for a Hoosier Cabinet. I would love to
come down and check out some items up for auction even if you don’t
typically get any Hoosiers. My parents used to have one (God rest
their souls) but I can’t find anything that looks like it did. I have
sketched it out from memory and attached to this email. It would mean
the WORLD to me to find something even close to this. It’s really too
bad it was lost in the fire.

Again, thank you for the time. I really hope we can find a similar Hoosier to my attached sketch.

Best Regards,

Tyler Tremblay

ATTACHMENT:

Dear Tyler,

We think you sent the wrong image, it was a picture of a young man gazing into the camera? Please see our weekly auction items when you receive our weekly email announcing them. Perhaps you will find something like what you are looking for.

Thank you,
Ward Auction

http://WardAuction.com

Ward Auctions,

That young man gazing into the photo is in agony, his parents and
their Hoosier burnt to death in a tragic electrically spawned fire.
The young man is me. Before I sent you my sketch of the Hoosier I
wanted you to feel my pain, to bask in the writhing void that has
become my Hoosier-less life. Cereal boxes are scattered on my
counters, soups strewn about on tables. And where the fuck am I
supposed to put the god damned flour now? On the floor is no place for
sugar either. Jesus hasn’t answered a single Hoosier prayer, wish, or
spell-casting. I go to work, come home and cry hopelessly to my cats
who’s food I also have no idea where to put without a Hoosier. I just
dump their entire 10lb bag of Meow Mix onto the floor.

So you see, I need this Hoosier. My parents would want it this way.

Attached is my sketch.

Best Regards,

Tyler

ATTACHMENT:

Tyler
My crystal ball is not very good for tomorrow, let alone for 2500 AD, but I can tell you that nothing astronomical (comets, meteoroids, black holes, space-time distortions, etc) is scheduled to destroy humans in 2500 AD.

Best,
John

John Doe [changed]
Program Chair, Minnesota Planetarium Society

John,

I appreciate your candid response. I agree with you, God would
never let that happen to us!

Amen,

Tyler

My first assignment:

Oxis wants you to write about their lovely products.
Some facts about the company: Advancing Oxidative Stress Technology Oxis International, Inc. (OTCBB: OXIS) is the premiere provider for the potent antioxidant, Ergothioneine and through their patented synthetic manufacturing process remains the only significant commercial source of pure l-ergothioneine worldwide.

Sounds like pure bullshit. Anyways, here are the requirements for the post:

KEYWORD: ( words MUST be used in review ): Anti aging, antioxidant, glutathione, penny stocks & free radical.

Please also use at least one link and the picture to get approved.

I don’t believe I’ve been formally denied yet but they’re not answering my emails.